We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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