She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
