Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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