needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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