I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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