I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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