He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
God I need to hump something, right now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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