Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
