he puts the penis in happiness.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
