Your dad touched me again.
You smell like stripper and shame
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
