Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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