Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
