fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
