so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
