I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize