She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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