I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
