u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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