Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
