I accidentally burped into my bong.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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