Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
