Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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