I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
