Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
