I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
