Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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