why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
