Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
