Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
