Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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