your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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