i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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