Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
