Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were trust falling into bushes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
