So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
