I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
