i think my tv is drunk
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize