the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
