Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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