im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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