After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize