Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
3pm strippers are depressing
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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