yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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