The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
