Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize