You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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