It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
