mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
