After last night, I could never be a politician.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize