plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
