new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
