I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
