Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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