I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's the barista slut.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
