Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
