I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
