I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize