There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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