cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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