Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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