and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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