i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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