And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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